I think vulnerability finds us, we don't go looking for it.
Unless you're a thrill seeking adventurist - but that's not my journey right now.
When we are made to feel hurt, feel fear or are put at risk an acceptance of where that leaves us in our soul, that feels to me like vulnerability.
I'm in a process. I hold on, let go. I struggle and create aversions. Find distractions. Hold on some more. Accept. Let go and fight it.
It's a can of worms of thinking I opened in my mind the other night, so thought I'd share.
We have an innate capacity to love, what ever we go through and come to be.
I see so many warriors of love, strong people and in that love is a sacred vulnerability. But we don't all see vulnerability as something sacred.
As warriors of any any cause we meet places of fear through no fault of our own. Much of what we face we have to face alone.
In my vulnerability I sat with fear, for some time and wondered why it was there. Everything felt raw and became an introspective experience. I knew it was temporary, how superficial it's claws were. My spirit was too strong to be held by this emotion.
We are vulnerable fragile humans - each of us. I wish we could all see that.
Knowing my life could be taken from me. That was a vulnerability I had never felt. How someone, I let so close could, without hesitation or warning do so much damage.
In this moment I am vulnerable.
A little broken.
I read a status recently that said something on the lines of "Love like you've never been hurt."
It left me angry and lead me to writing this.
Don't devalue my experience I thought. I will love as I am, carrying what ever I choose too.
Our experiences don't define us they help explain us, help us remember a path best not re-visited.
I've never felt as vulnerable as I have in the past three months. Vulnerability has been raw and scary. It's filled with insecurities. Floored me at times in understanding my place in the world.
Made me feel fragile.
Every part of me felt shook. Routine has disappeared, what even was it.
Maybe I needed to be here. To be still, to find my soft edges under my armour.
I feel better now. Better now that the court case is almost here. Better now I might have some routine back in my life. Better now I can maybe talk about things truthfully and not have to feel like I'm living on the edges of every situation I'm in. Better now I'm rebuilding things my way.
It's complex, that goes without saying but I made a choice to keep every part of my spirit whole and I'm glad I did.
Domestic violence hurts on so many levels.
I wanted to share this because I know I'm not the only one. Because It's not right and because it helps me, to share it.
Sometimes we just have to be what we are in each moment and dealing with that alone can be enough.
It is shocking how many women tell me they have been in violent relationships.
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